I didn’t know what a good man is supposed to look like or treat me because I didn’t have a dad to show me who a good man is.
I grew up hearing stories about how my dad got my mum pregnant and left. So my earliest impressions of men were that they were not to be trusted. They’ll always leave. The more I heard tales about my rejection, heard tales of how my mother struggled to raise me alone as a single broke mom, heard how my grandmother had to take me from her to save us from starving, the more inferior and unloved I felt.
I believed something was wrong with me and I have to work at making people love me. I believed I had to be the kind of person I imagined they would love. The more men I met, the more identities and personas I adopted. In the process, I lost me.
I was walking around, attempting to live life, hungry for every semblance of approval, attention and anything that closely resembles affection. The more hungry I was, the more I was manipulated, used and abused, preyed on and hurt.
Through the years, God’s incredible grace and love followed me but I couldn’t see it. Looking back now, I realize it was right there in my mess. God’s love kept me from depression after enduring sexual abuse three times (at age 8,19 and 21). God’s love kept me safe when I was a reckless young adult, God’s love brought me to a campus fellowship where I would be introduced to him, and even when I jumped ship and left him, He never left me!
Everything that has happened to me over the years till this very moment has been a process to bring me here.
There has been several defining moments on my journey to finding myself and every moment has underscored the truth that I am loved, valued, significant and important. I have a purpose in this world and I deserve every good thing.
The more I internalize how deeply I am loved, I am set free from the shackles of wrong thinking. It’s not been easy. I still struggle a lot. There are days it looks like I’m not winning the fight. But then, God reminds me that it isn’t really my fight. He reminds me to let him handle it and I hand over myself to him once again. It’s so beautiful to do that.
Now, I have a role model to show me how I’m supposed to be loved. JESUS. the way he loves me, is the way I deserve to be loved. It’s the way I WANT TO LOVE OTHERS.
Know this today: You are loved. You are accepted. Just the way you are. He knows you’re broken, he knows you’ve been trying to fix yourself but you can’t. He’s standing right where you are to let you know he’s here for you.
You are loved.