This question, as weird as it sounds, shook me to the very core of my being and it made me see myself like i have never seen before.
Last week, a friend was invited to speak at several events marking the national cancer week. She excitedly told me about it and while I smiled a toothy smile and expressed my excitement, my insides were twisted with ugly envy and jealousy. I wanted to be the one invited. I wanted to be the one speaking. It’s hard to admit but it’s true.
I moped about for the rest of the day, in a foul mood and all sorts of emotions were struggling inside me. But thank God for the Holy Spirit, because in my self-induced unhappiness, I sat back on my bed to pray and while I was struggling with the words, I kept quiet and just contemplated why I was so disturbed. I heard the spirit of God ask me: “would you like to have cancer”?
I was shocked and i asked “Lord why”? He said to me that “do you realize your friend was asked to speak at those events because she’s a cancer survivor? She HAS a story. You don’t. She has lived through an experience you cannot even imagine.”
I was so ashamed of myself and my selfish, envious and vain heart. In tears, I asked for forgiveness and grace and the Lord gave me peace. Immediately, that bondage was broken and I was able to love my friend and genuinely rejoice with her.
Psalm 25:4-5 (MSG)
4 Show me how you work, God;
School me in your ways.
5 Take me by the hand;
Lead me down the path of truth.
You are my Savior, aren’t you?
As much as I am ashamed to expose my failings, I rejoice that God opened my eyes to see them and he’s working in me, and shaping me. This is what he seeks to do in all of us. As long as we let him in, he will do his work. He’s the only one who can perfect us. I can’t help myself. Only he can clean my heart.